Where's Mr. Liberal/Change Obama Now

Come on Obama - nothing like a politician turning back on his empty promises before he even hits the office. As a very openly Republican lesbian, it shouldn't surprise me that Obama has so quickly repressed his on again off again support of LGBT issues. Holding out on even addressing the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy? I vaguely remember listening to months of debates, press conferences and commercials promising "change."

You won the American people with your passion and charisma - to keep them, you'll have to follow through - even if your "changes" meet some resistance.

Clinton as Secretary of State?

Surprisingly I wouldn't oppose Hillary Clinton as secretary of state. After the drama and negativity of the entire election process, I developed a new respect for Clinton and her stance on most issues. As a rare gay Republican - I may have actually voted on the Democratic lines if Hillary had been a choice.

Her views make sense. Although she is pro-choice, she supports finding alternate methods of decreasing the necessity of abortions, rather than aggressively encouraging abortion as an answer to "unwanted" pregnancy. She has a long standing record of supporting LGBT issues. She is liberal and open-minded but not in the socialist way Obama trends towards.

So, hopefully Clinton finds her way into the new government. And with any luck, she'll have a positive influence on the Obama presidency and the future of this country. So - cankles or not - go Hillary.

Does Everything Happen For A Reason?

I have always lived by the ideal that "everything happens for a reason." Unfortunately, it's this concept that's currently making my most recent decisions difficult. I feel like I really should be ready to change jobs - but the signs keep pointing against it. The money isn't adding up - the shifts aren't fitting like they should - staying where I am is beginning to look like the best option.

So, perhaps I will find the happy medium. Maybe I'll let this opportunity pass me by and it will turn out to have been a huge mistake. Or alternately I could take the chance and end up losing a lot. Hopefully an answer comes along - I'm sure it will.

Friday Fill-Ins (A few hours after Friday)

1. The last band I saw live was Matchbox 20. 2. What I look forward to most on Thanksgiving is a nap! (if you don't celebrate thanksgiving, insert your favorite holiday)3. My Christmas/holiday shopping is yet to begin.4. Thoughts of job changes, moving and change fill my head.5. I wish I could wear a bikini.6. Bagpipes are funny.7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to not being in charge! tomorrow my plans include visiting Doug to see how much more hair I can talk him into cutting off and Sunday, I want to SLEEP!

Metathesiophobia - As Talks Become Reality

Metathesiophobia: Fear of change. Yep, that's me. I've been in a slight state of denial since I initiated this job change thought process many months ago. It's been something to talk about, something I may do, a good idea. But today it became a reality - I have officially accepted a position - with a start date and all. December 1st. Of course, I am now in the midst of a tornado of self doubt and questions. While two weeks ago I was certain this was exactly what I needed to do, today I'm full of what ifs, anxiety and fear. I'd venture as far as to call my feelings normal but I assure you they are far from typical for me.

Not to mention the forced acknowledgement of the resistance I am about to subject myself to. As all change is difficult and the new job will be a new program, I expected resistance. I've now seen, in true written word, that the resistance is real, tangible - and though it may be based on unrealistic reasons and a sort of mob thought process misconception - I'm sure it will persist for a while. 

And of course, the sudden realization that in a little over a week I will be sending my 2 year old to daycare for the first time. That's another post all together. 

If we can recognize that change and uncertainty are basic principles, we can greet the future and the transformation we are undergoing with the understanding that we do not know enough to be pessimistic. (Hazel Henderson)

Delusions of Order

Occasionally, I have parenting moments where I realize that certain things my parents always did were not as easy as they made it look. I never remember them being exasperated or stressed on my birthday - the treats for school, the presents, the little things - always seemed to fall into place. Hopefully I am able to give my children the same memories - the same delusions of order. 

The Inconvenient Truth of Night Shift

I would definitely label myself as a night owl. I've never been so great at waking up early, functioning in the morning - and night shift has seemed to fit very well into my life and personality for the last 5 years. I love my job, I love my shift, the people I work with . I spent a few months doing the day shift thing a few years back and it was... enlightening. The job is different. People everywhere. Noise. Commotion. Family members. Doctors. Residents. Medical students. Managers. Administration. Physical therapists. Pharmacists. Dietary. EVERYONE is there during the day. Night shift is calmer, things go smoothly - there's more autonomy. 

So, I've been denying it for the last 5 years... putting it off - ignoring the fact that just as every study and medical professional will tell you - night shift is bad for your body. I was off for a weekend - still had work related things to do - a certification course out of town. And I didn't sleep much, spent too much time out - but the point was, I did it on a day shift schedule. 

Despite my very little sleep - I was able to function all weekend - fairly well. Then, much to my surprise - I was somewhat productive on Monday. And Tuesday. And Wednesday. All week. Usually I spend the first half of my week recovering from the weekend of night shift; transitioning back to a normal sleep schedule. For the last few years my most productive day (cleaning, laundry, basics...) has been Thursday - I recover just in time to switch back to night mode.

So, as much as I resist all forms of change - and as much as I will miss my current job and the people I work with - perhaps this job change will be the best thing that I've done in a long time. Maybe it's time to join the non-nocturnal world - where stores, doctors offices and banks will all be open during my waking hours. Who knows - in a year I may be that person who wakes up 2 hours earlier than I have to just to enjoy the morning, some coffee and a newspaper? Nah, let's not get crazy - in a year I'll still roll out of bed 10 minutes before I have to leave in the morning, look in the mirror and be thankful I have short hair and don't wear makeup.

Certifiable

So the new job has this long list of certification requirements. A few basics that I've already done - and then the rest. So I get to spend 5 hours on both Tuesday and Wednesday this week to be certified - ACLS for this course (which I let lapse, so requires 2 nights instead of one). The classes always amuse me a bit. They change every few years depending on whatever research somebody published most recently. 

And of course, they're usually taught by education professionals in the healthcare field. Many of them have been in numerous situations they're teaching about - but some haven't. The process of certification is kind of amusing to me. I can memorize anything - but that doesn't really mean I can do it. So I'm in the process of becoming a hypocrite to my own mantra: the best nurses are not always the ones that look best on paper. So in a few months I get to be a letter nazi too - just call me:

Nikki: RN, BSN, BLS, ACLS, PALS, IHTLS, PHRN, CCRN

When It Rains, It Pours

I know it really isn't the world's way of making my life more difficult - but on an already not so great day, I actually laughed at myself when I heard the news that there had been a fire at the Metro Center - and Sushi Popo was damaged. Not a big thing, really - and should have no effect on me whatsoever. Except, I am a creature of habit - to an extreme. And I have gone to Sushi Popo every single Thursday night for dinner for almost a year. At the moment I am absolutely convinced that the most recent Metro Center fire is the world's attempt to hammer home the concept of "When it rains, it pours."

And now I'll stop whining and be more mature and say - I'm glad nobody was hurt. I hope the business owners are able to get things up and running again soon.

Methodical Monday Meditations (aka Lists!) music to overdo...

music (current songs i'm overplaying) 
¬ 

White Horse (Taylor Swift) 
Let It Rock (Kevin Rudolf) 
Details in the Fabric (Jason Mraz) 
I'd Rather Be With You (Joshua Radin) 
A Beautiful Mess (Jason Mraz) 
You Don't Know Me (Ben Folds & Regina Spektor) 
Entwined (Jason Reeves)

If Tomorrow Never Comes?

I am acutely aware of my own mortality. I am involved in people's deaths on a very regular basis - sometimes, because it's time for them to go - other times, the reasons are harder to comprehend. Death, even in its most natural of circumstances is a hard concept for most people to comprehend. And when the unexpected is to fault for death's early appearance - people's reactions range an entire spectrum of emotions.

All I know is that I go to work for a 12+ hour shift. We generally spend every moment trying to prolong the lives of 12 random people - 12 hours at a time. Every once in a while I come home with a new awareness of how truly unknown the future is.

So while my world may seem overwhelmingly stressful: trying to figure out how to raise 3 kids - maintain my sanity, drive the right child to the right place, what to feed them, how to dress them, that homework is done and teeth brushed - instead of the headache that usually begins right around bedtime - what I should be doing is realizing that there are people all around me who don't have these moments... to use a work quote - you should live each moment as if it were your last because any one of us could go to sleep tonight and "wake up dead..." 

If today was my last day on this earth, with these people - would I regret the last thing I said to someone? Or the things I left unsaid?

Friday Fill-Ins

1. Please feel free to do my dishes? 
2. When I use white out I can't help sniffing it occasionally.
3. My favorite thing to cook is NOTHING!
4. Sushi is something I can't get enough of.
5. That's the thing I love most about abmiguity.
6. My ex always makes me think to myself, what the heck?
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to saving lives, tomorrow my plans include not enough sleep and Sunday, I want to try to hang with the kids with absolutely no sleep!

Haylie Ann

CIMG5881b&w
Originally uploaded by Fergie1979

“A baby is God's opinion that life should go on.” (Carl Sandburg)

Regardless of the circumstances surrounding a new baby - the birth itself seems to - if only momentarily - cause a neutrality, a calm - a truce to all prior conflicts and petty indifferences.

So, this is our peacekeeper for the moment: Haylie. Born at my favorite time: 11:11 on November 12th - weighing in at an impressive 9 pounds 6.5 ounces.

And when the calm passes and reality returns - Kayla will be a great mom both despite and because of the circumstances.

ABC's Executive Homophobes Strike Again

ABC's Executive Homophobes Strike Again

I would venture to say that ABC's most recent anti-gay move will cost it the remaining gay/lesbian viewers that were hanging on. Your official statement is offensive - no chemistry? How about too much chemistry? Too close to reality for your "fits in a box" ideals? Way to perpetuate the stereotypes and hatred. Perhaps you should ban the lesbian episodes? Join the ranks of PBS and the Forsaken "Buster Bunny" episodes that so forwardly mentioned "2 moms" and found itself lost in a vault. Thanks for the steps backwards.

P.S. Brooke Smith did an exceptional job in this role. She is an incredible actress and while she may not fit the standard anorexic Barbie Doll figure that the media so adamantly perpetuates - Dr. Hahn was hot - the role, the character, the plot and the scenes were incredibly sexy, realistic, mature and without the usual sleezy undertones.

from ew.com:

Exclusive: 'Grey's Anatomy' Discharges Dr. Hahn

Nov 3, 2008, 06:07 PM | by Michael Ausiello

Brace yourselves, Grey's Anatomy fans: The show has parted ways with a female doc who is blond, beautiful, outspoken – and not Katherine Heigl. It's Brooke Smith. As in Dr. Erica Hahn. As in one half of Callica, Grey's first-ever significant gay couple. And that's only part of the story. I'm told this was not Shonda Rhimes' decision but rather an order that came down from the network. According to one Grey's source, the suits "had issues" with both the explicit direction Callica was taking (think: undiscovered country, south of the border, etc.) and, more importantly, with the Hahn character in general. Basically, they didn't like her and wanted her gone ASAP. But how soon? And what does this mean for Callica? Keep yourselves braced, because the shocks don't stop in the following Q&A with the sublime Ms. Smith. She deserves better treatment than this, and next go-round, here's hoping she gets it. UPDATE: A statement from Rhimes in response to this story appears at the end of the Q&A.

AUSIELLO: What the hell happened?!
BROOKE SMITH: I was very excited when they told me that Erica and Callie were going to have this relationship. And I really hoped we were going to show what happens when two women fall in love and that they were going to treat it like any heterosexual couple on TV. And so I was surprised and disappointed when they just suddenly told me that they couldn't write for my character anymore. 

That's all they said? 
Yes. Frankly, it was you that warned me this might happen on the red carpet back in July. You said [sometimes networks get cold feet] with gay relationships. And I was so naive. I'm like, "It's 2008." But I'm starting to realize that not everyone feels the way I do. [Scroll down to watch our now-infamous exchange.]

Did you get the feeling that the story was making people nervous?
No. At work I had no sense of it. And more fans seemed to like it than not. I don't think I'm ever going to know [why this really happened].

When did you find out?
I found out in mid-September soon after shooting the monologue that aired last week where Erica has the revelation that she's gay. They even came down and told me it was a great scene -- one of the best they ever shot on the show. So I was really, really shocked. I was floored when they told me [I was being let go]. It was the last thing I expected. In fact, when they told me I asked, "When is this happening?" And they said, "The [next episode] is your last," which is the one that airs this Thursday. So it was very sudden.

Wait a second – your last episode is this Thursday? 
Yes.

How are you written out?
I'm not written out. My final scene is just me heading to my car. I honestly don't know what happens in the next episode. I heard not much. [Quick sidebar: This sheds new light on Mary McDonnell's arrival next week as a top cardiac doc. And if you're thirsting for some irony, there's this: Melissa George confirms that her incoming character will be bisexual.]

Who broke the news to you?
Shonda.

I'm hearing that this wasn't her decision, but rather ABC's.
You know, I have to tell you, I got that feeling. I don't know for sure, but it definitely seemed like [Shonda's] hands were tied. That was just my gut.

Did she seem upset?
She did seem upset. I wasn't having a very good week that week. I was like, "Oh, God, what is it with this business?!" And she said, "No, no, no. You are such a great actress. We love you." It seemed like some decision came down from above. It didn't feel like it was her.

What was Sara Ramirez's [Callie] reaction?
She was shocked. I'm the one who told her. It took her a few days to get back to me because she was surprised. It was surprising to everybody.

Were you happy with the direction the story line was taking?
You know, I was starting to get there, yeah. I was personally a little impatient with the gay panic, but it was more Callie's thing anyway. I think Dr. Hahn was sort of figuring it out.

What did you think about Callie going to Mark to get pointers on exploring the "undiscovered country"?
It was a little icky. If you're a women, don't you know how to please yourself? But they seemed to be okay with that one.

How are you doing with all this?
It's actually never happened to me before. But I never had a moment where I thought I did something wrong. I was just really surprised. I just moved my entire family to L.A., so it was kind of like, "What?" But for some reason I feel like I'm fine. I feel like I'm going to be okay.

Response from exec producer Shonda Rhimes: "Brooke Smith was obviously not fired for playing a lesbian. Clearly it's not an issue as we have a lesbian character on the show – Calliope Torres. Sara Ramirez is an incredible comedic and dramatic actress and we wanted to be able to play up her magic. Unfortunately, we did not find that the magic and chemistry with Brooke's character would sustain in the long run. The impact of the Callie/Erica relationship will be felt and played out in a story for Callie. I believe it belittles the relationship to simply replace Erica with 'another lesbian.' If you'll remember, Cristina mourned the loss of Burke for a full season."

Okay, Grey's fans. I'm guessing you have some strong opinions about Smith's ouster. Share them in the comments section below. But first, check out my aforementioned (and eerily prescient) interview with the actress from last July. 


http://ausiellofiles.ew.com/2008/11/brooke-smith-le.html

Methodical Monday Mediations (aka Lists!) Disney time...

films (favorite disney films) 
¬ 

Aladdin! 
Beauty and the Beast 
The Jungle Book 
Lion King 
Finding Nemo 
The Incredibles 
Toy Story

PALS, Funky Monkeys and Drag Queens

So we went to the Quad Cities - technically for a work related reason. Took the PALS (pediatric advanced life support) course at Genesis Medical Center so I could officially be "certified" in something else. Granted, the pediatric spectrum is the frightening part of my upcoming career change. I've spent the last 5 years saving lives and watching death - but only in adults. Adults are supposed to die - kids are NOT. So - it's a bridge I will cross when I get to it - but I do at least want to feel like I'm prepared as much as I can be.

So of course after sitting in a class all day Friday - we had to spend some time out. And what better place to go in the Quad Cities than to a drag show? Granted, not exactly Chicago caliber - but add a few shots and it's great entertainment.

So - while it was a bit of a challenge to get up for the remainder of the course on Saturday - we passed without a problem and I am again certifiable. And we spent Saturday night first with some of Carrie's frighteningly liberal friends - nothing like a good interrogation to increase one's desire for alcohol - so we then met my cousin out in downtown Rock Island. He bought me some kind of monkey drink and that was the end of that. I slept the majority of the night in the bathroom - Thanks Jared! 

Proposition 8: Why was it an option?

I'm not going to take the time to go into the long winded arguments for and against gay marriage. My question is: why was this left up to a vote? I don't believe such laws should be a matter of public opinion - rather a judicial and executive interpretation of constitutional laws.

1870: If the question of giving blacks the right to vote had been put to a popular vote, do you think the 15th amendment would exist?

1920: Would a popular vote have given women the right to vote? Or perhaps the same fearful homophobics who waste all their time and energy opposing gay marriage also believe women should be their property?

The civil rights movement, the end of women's suffrage - all of the socially progressive changes that were based on the mistreatment and denial of rights to PEOPLE - happened because of social activism led by a minority group - not a majority popular vote. 

Here's Hoping

Regardless of the political affiliations we all have - and regardless of who any of us voted for - this election seemed to bring out the masses - people who generally sat in the background quietly spoke up, stood up, participated. The outcome is what it is. Perhaps the new interest in politics generated by this election can continue through the term. 

Emi's interest in this election and every issue around it was inspiring and very interesting to watch. While it may not have had the outcome she hoped for, I think the passion she put into it will continue on - and she learned more by her own interest than any Civics course could ever have taught her. Actually - I seem to have learned more by her interest than I ever cared to in Civics - partially due to her incessant political conversations - and partially because she casually forgot to turn off Headline News when she went to bed  - thereby subconsciously subjecting me to the days headlines over and over and over - as I attempted to sleep.

Of Course I Voted...

I made the great 10 minutes drive to vote surrounded by some elderly couples who had minor issues with the technology. I didn't have to wait and have no complaints, but I did truly feel sorry for some of the older folks there. It's unfortunate that after the 70+ years they've been voting, they have to be put on the spot and expected to adapt to technology just to vote. 

So, I voted - now I have the right to complain for the next four years if it doesn't go well! 

Sarah Palin - No political arguments, just simple observations!

DSCF9247

Originally uploaded by Fergie1979

Sarah Palin campaign rally - Dubuque, IA 

November 3rd, 2008

I know by putting the name "Sarah Palin" in a post I risk starting a long winded and pointless debate - but I assure you this is not a political post. This is a generalized post that could have been applied to the alternative candidate just as easily.

In a society where the generations of the future are seemingly more interested in Facebook, text messages and all ways of avoiding direct communication, I felt obligated to support my 16 year old's devotion to the campaign, and specifically Sarah Palin. While her political views do actually closely mirror my own, I would have been just as inclined to support her interest in politics - regardless of the political party.

Though the drive to Dubuque was incredibly boring and the trip was too spontaneous for my likings, it was a once in a lifetime experience that I wouldn't trade for anything. I assumed that me actually seeing Sarah's speech was out of the question (we left at 9 am to drive 3 hours, waited 2.5 hours for Sarah to arrive) - somehow, a 16 year old, a 6 year old and a 2 year old all waited relatively patiently. Although the 2 year old fell asleep right before the speech began, he woke up about halfway through and joined the loudly cheering crowd.

I do not believe that it is our responsibility as parents to ensure our children have the same views and interests as us. We should ensure that they are raised with the ability to find all the information they need and be able to truly develop their own views and opinions. If, in the future, any of my children decide to develop views that oppose my own, I will wholeheartedly support their passion and willingness to stand up for what they believe in.   

PSD 150 Redefines "Leaving Children Behind"

The 15 hours between this post and my most recent run-in with District 150 will at least make the post more reasonable - which may or may not be a good thing. It seems that I am not the only one who has had issues recently and unfortunately this has not been the only incident.

It seems that my six year old's school didn't think my job was going to be frightening enough for Halloween this year. As on every other Friday, my ex picks up Savannah on Fridays - therefore she goes to the latchkey program at the school. This has never been an issue before (and we are 3 months into the school year).

On this particular Friday I received a call at work from my ex stating that he was at the school to pick Savannah up and she was not there. This was about 5 p.m. (School gets out at 3:15). The school could come up with no explanation - only a latchkey attendant that stated Savannah didn't show up at latchkey. Of course, I immediately wanted to leave work - but instead decided to stay and use the multiple phone lines to call everyone I could. After many phone calls on both ends (including the school attempting to call the bus driver - who was unable to be reached, yet still not back to the bus barn) we learned that Savannah had ridden the bus to my house. Of course, nobody was home (although if the bus would have been anywhere near on time, her sister would have been home). A few more phone calls found Savannah at her father's neighbor's house. She had gotten off the bus at my house and found nobody home. So she walked (about half a mile) to her father's house - to also find an empty house. Luckily, she thought to go to his neighbor's house - who then called him. This was almost 5:30. The bus usually drops Savannah off at 3:45 (although they have been very inconsistent without explanation lately). So - she walked across very busy roads, in the late fall afternoon - from an empty house - to an empty house - without any adult being aware she was even missing. At age 6.

Of course, my initial reaction was to immediately pull her out of school and join the home-school club until I could get out of district. I believe I will settle down to driving her to school and picking her up every day and actively seeking a new house in a district that is not in Peoria. 

The explanation is a multitude of communication errors and a very poorly organized and run transportation system for the largest school system in Central Illinois. There have been complaints and problems and I'm sure many traumatized children and yet, nothing changes.

The sequence of events that led to Savannah's "adventure" was as follows:

Her class had a Halloween party so the kids were very rowdy with extra parents at the end of the day. When the teacher was calling names for latchkey, Savannah either didn't hear her name called or it wasn't called. When she raised her hand to tell the teacher, the teacher told all of the kids to put their hands down and be quiet - so, she did. 

She then got on the bus and made an attempt to tell the bus driver she shouldn't be on the bus. She said the bus driver was too busy talking to "the lady" and wouldn't listen. She then had multiple friends of hers on the bus attempt to tell the bus driver - they had the same results.

She got off the bus at her regular bus stop, scared and upset - thinking she was going to be in trouble. She eventually made it to an adult, but not without a lot of potential for really bad things to happen.

The latchkey people made no attempt to see where Savannah was, despite the fact that the latchkey fee had been paid in the morning and Savannah is always at latchkey on Fridays.

Again (multiple times), the transportation system had an issue with number of bus drivers so multiple bus routes were combined into one bus - making the bus very late (again, I say).

The school was unable to reach the bus driver to see if Savannah had ridden the bus because - "He didn't have a cell phone." And 2.5 hours after leaving the grade school, the bus still had not returned to the bus barn. 

This time, Savannah is okay - though frightened. She will not ride a District 150 again. As soon as possible, she will not attend a District 150 school again. I do not blame the teacher or the school - but the system is not safe. There are too many kids in too many classes on too few busses with not enough regulation. 

Savannah was not the first District 150 student with such an issue. And it was not our first issue with the bus. But it will be our last... and I hope the right people do something before a child is really missing, injured, kidnapped or killed.

Friday Fill-Ins

1. My favorite food seasoning is cajun jerk. 
2. Silence is music to my ears.
3. Lucky is a term people use to absolve themelves of responsibility over their own destiny.
4. My job is something I take very seriously.
5. Many people live their whole lives without feeling a thing.
6. Milk was the last thing I bought at the store.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to ordering out at work, tomorrow my plans include sleep and Sunday, I want to go out to lunch!

Methodical Monday Mediations (aka Lists!) Don't make me eat...

food & drink (10 foods i hate) 
¬ 
tomatoes 
baked beans 
tuna 
mayo 
cherry popsicles 
mushrooms 
mustard 
guacamole 
cow tongue (running out of ideas) 
liver

Does the Bible have lesbians?

There's a title that's bound to anger a few angry Christians. I don't honestly know if the Bible has any lesbians, just as the angry and judgemental Christians who insist on condemning homosexuals have no idea if the Bible truly condemns homosexuality. The Bible - like most ancient literature - is bound to the constraints of language - and having been through multiple centuries, many societies and numerous languages - interpretation of many parts of the Bible ends up being whatever the reader wants it to say.

That being said, there are arguments to the presence of lesbians in the Bible. Specifically Ruth and Naomi - argued by the following passage(Ruth 1:16-17):

16And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: 
 17Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.

This verse is frequently used in Christian HETEROSEXUAL wedding ceremonies. It is a beautiful verse - but it is, in fact - spoken by a woman - to a woman. In my opinion, this is not evidence of lesbians in the Bible - but strong evidence of time, languages and cultures making literal interpretation of the Bible illogical. It does show a deep love between two women - which may be the equivalent of a lesbian relationship in Biblical times - how would we know? And if so, perhaps we should use it to show that despite some popular beliefs - homosexual relationships are not based on sexual desires alone. 

Friday Fill-Ins

1. Right now, I'm feeling anxious. 
2. The beach is where I want to be.
3. How does one say no?
4. The kids keep me on track.
5. Please don't run, cry or yell in the ICU.
6. Cameron, Savannah & Emi fill me with joy.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to prolonging lives, tomorrow my plans include sleep, sleep and more sleep and Sunday, I want to function without sleep!

Methodical Monday Meditations - Music: Lines from Songs

music (favorite lines from lyrics) 


(Garth Brooks, Standing Outside the Fire)
Life is not tried, it is merely survived/If you're standing outside the fire 

(Travis Tritt, It's a Great Day to Be Alive)
It's a great day to be alive/I know the sun's still shinin' when I close my eyes/There's some hard times in the neigborhood/But why can't every day be just this good? 

(Rascal Flatts, Stand)
Cause when push comes to shove/You taste what you're made of/You might bend, till you break/Cause its all you can take/On your knees you look up/Decide you've had enough/You get mad you get strong/Wipe your hands shake it off/Then you Stand, Then you stand 

(Anna Nalick, Breathe {2 am})
Cause you can't jump the track,/we're like cars on a cable,/And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table./No one can find the rewind button boys,/So cradle your head in your hands,/And breathe, just breathe, 

(Jason Mraz, Details in the Fabric)
If it's a broken part, replace it/But, if it's a broken heart then brace it/If it's a broken heart then face it/And hold your own/Know your name/And go your own way/Hold your own/Know your own name/And go your own way/And everything will be fine 

(Better Than Ezra, Under You)
And Ramen Noodles at 4:30 in the morning,/Where we barely could survive, I was never more alive/Under you, I feel your blood flowing out slowly/Under you, let go completely feeling you take over me/Take over me 

(Jeremy Kay, Have It All)

Today I feel like laughing/Seems to be no reason at all/And if the world stops spinning/I'm not afraid to fall/Maybe it's too soon to be sure/But I really do believe that someday/We're gonna have it all/So I try to hard to keep the rhythm of a train/Rolling right along When the ride gets rough you got to carry on

(Five For Fighting, I Just Love You)

I said, Darling, it's late, is everything ok/Silence took over the room/Til she said/I... I just Love You/I Don't Know Why, I Just Do/When are you coming home/I'm coming home soon/And I just love you too

Accidental Insightfulness

*From archives/previous blog*

A while back I found myself lacking in reading material. And as reading is an activity that fills many of my sleepless nights, I went to a bookstore's online site and searched for random (cheap) interesting looking titles. I ended up with about 6 or 7 books. I picked up the longest book first, made it through about 15 pages and decided to start with the others. I flew threw the others - nothing impacted me or was anything other than a momentary escape from reality.

I eventually went back to the first book and continued reading. By the end I had deemed it to be in at least the top 5 best books I've ever read. Not what I expected when I bought it, but I will definitely buy anything this author writes again.

Elliot Perlman - The Seven Types of Ambiguity

It is well written, well organized, hard to read at times - but only because you have to actually think about what you're reading. And despite popular opinion, there really isn't anything wrong with having to put a little thought into a book. The author may write in language that we don't often use in everyday conversations - and some reviews I've read chastise him for this. I personally found it more interesting and intriguing because of the expanded vocabulary.

Perlman did his research - he references literary history with careful accuracy. There are quotes from this book that stick with me - and it's not often that I stop and read the same paragraph more than once. I imagine it's a love it or hate it book - there's not likely to be many people in the gray. Give it a shot if you're up for something out of the ordinary - let me know what you think.

~~Random Quotes~~

"The decision to fail is often made in the pursuit of attention"

"Anybody who doesn't want or need something is dead. And anyone who needs something can be hurt"

"Once can correlate the amount of time a child spends on the school premises after the final bell has rung for the day with the degree of domestic dislocation to which the child is subjected"

"...an expatriate in the state of denial."

"To not be alone somebody has to connect with you and you have to connect with them... somebody has to make the emotional and intellectual effort to come with you as you ride the relentless waves of fear and hope, of pain and pleasure, of doubt and certainty, that inhabit the sea of human experience"

"The pleasure lives there when the sense has died"

"People tend to assume that there is a dichotomy between emotion and intellect. In Fact, it's really more of a continuum with emotion and one end and intellect at the other"

Friday Fill-Ins

Friday Fill-Ins

1. Follow the yellow brick road.

2. Sunscreen is something I always take with me on vacation.

3. To achieve your goals, you must be willing to fail.

4. I need to sleep is something I'd like you to know about me.

5. I have a lot to do!

6. Root beer floats.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to the end, tomorrow my plans include saving lives and Sunday, I want to SLEEP!

A Blank Page... for a moment

Leaving the old blog behind... moving upward, onward and all that.

If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now - when? (Hillel, Leo Rosten's Treasury of Jewish Quotations p. 459 (1972)

I always hate the "About Me" or general information sections that these social networking profiles throw at us. It's not the simple task of Hi, my name is Bob and my favorite color is blue - no, you feel obligated to really take the time to paint a deep and meaningful portrait of yourself. And realistically, social networking does not equate to a technological gathering of close personal friends, but rather you are divulging these "deep" facets of who you are to the general public - friends, enemies, stalkers, your children, your children's friends and future employers. So with that in mind - here's my attempt at an accurate and meaningful vignette of my own identity:

Professionally:

I adamantly stand by my assertion that my job is not my life - it is the means by which I fund my life. Despite this stance, I can honestly say I love my job - most aspects at least. My personality very much fits what I do. At the moment (and for the last 4 + years of moments) I work as a nurse - which strangely enough is the one thing I said I'd never do. Luckily, nursing is a profession that encompasses such a variety of areas that even a very Type A, introverted and detached individual -  such as myself - can find a career that fits. So, professionally - I am calm, objective, unemotional yet professional, organized, reliable and efficient. I may not be the one who offers a shoulder when a family member is crying - but I will be the one that keeps the rest of the staff calm and focused and prioritizing appropriately. So I obviously don't work in a nursing home or with hospice patients, but I have found my place in a Surgical & Trauma ICU. I love the job - the fast pace, the autonomy, the types of patients - the gunshots, car wrecks, and every random accident you can think of - in addition to surgical patients that don't go exactly as planned. Like any job, there are downfalls - the politics that come with a career in healthcare and of course, the workplace dynamics that are inevitable in a profession dominated by women. And as unexpected trauma and death are very heavy things to deal with on a daily basis, there is a very high burnout rate - and a high staff turnover. So, I myself am soon to be joining the ranks of the burnt out and turned over - a new job, a turn in the career path is upcoming...

Personally:

I sometimes joke that my job is like a vacation from home - and I get paid. That's not to say I don't like being at home, but being a parent is never easy - even in the most typical circumstances.  Responsibility is exhausting and overwhelming - but worth it in the end. I have three great kids - two of which are biologically mine and the other who is mine (despite the fact I am not old enough to actually have give birth to her...) They are the ones who were able to break my "unemotional" personality trait. So my home life is typical - with my three kids and golden retriever, I reside pleasantly in the state of domestic bliss (despite the incessant bickering, I wants and messes). And, like my job - home is full of surprises and change - though I'm ready for a boring, stable life...

Socially:

On the social interaction, beliefs and morals spectrum - I am an abundance of ostensible paradoxes. First for the socially constructed labels:

Homosexual - yes, for whatever preconceived reason you may think (genetics, choice, disease, fear.... pick your poison). 

Divorced - see above - among other reasons.

Parent - Despite the social constraints generally placed on the previous two labels, I am a very involved and effective parent.

Christian - yes, there are homosexual Christians.

Republican - and the anomalies continue...

I'm sure there are quite a few more, but I'm not a fan of social definitions and demarcating semantics. So, the synopsis: I am opinionated, assertive and strong. In a social setting, chances are I will be the quiet one - which is how people will describe me, until they know me. I have a handful of close friends, but I am not the person who walks into a social setting and knows everyone or talks to everyone. Since I tend to not say much, the things I do say are often very blunt. I would fight to the end for my children and my friends. I will stand up for the things I believe in - which despite the social stereotypes that often accompany the homosexual label - are very conservative. I believe that children should be raised by their parents, not their teachers - or their community - or anyone else. I am a huge believer in accountability - as long and hard as many people search, more often than not - the only blame any of us should be placing is on ourselves. The t.v., the school, the friends, the music, the video games - none of these things can make anyone or their children do anything.

So the required introductions aside (with too many words and more than a solitary tangent) - I will continue to transcribe the incessant pleonastic commentary running through my mind.

Probably one of the most despised masterminds of modern industry

Sounds drastic, but I mean it quite simply and any parent can understand where I'm coming from.

Nolan Bushnell - I admit, as the founder of Atari, he would be up for a Nobel prize in my world some days (I have a bit of a video game affinity- hand eye coordination, alter-reality is a great way to escape after a hard day) And from a corporate perspective - the man was genius and started a video game system revolution with a mere $500.

And believe me, my problem wasn't with him starting the video game generation - it was his next move that most parents cringe at - He sold Atari (making an incredible amount of money) and had the audacity to open the first ShowBiz.

And through a bunch of business mumbo jumbo and mergers and friendships and drama and blah blah blah, the now oh-so-popular Chuck E. Cheese chains were born, and parents everywhere cried.

Luckily in the process of all of this business, the step was taken to attempt to maintain the sanity of parents in this establishment - they obtained a liquor license.

Yes, I just returned from Chuck E. land. Really, it wasn't as bad as I'm making it sound and in all reality, it is an ingenious chain that is very well marketed. Heck, they even joined the new age paranoid revolution requiring all kids and parents to have matching black light numbers on the way in and out. It was asking a lot for parents to watch their own kids (that's a different topic all together). And hey, if my kids can play mindless electronic video games - earn worthless tickets to clutter my house with even more worthless prizes - and be happy - I guess it's worth it.

Your Parents are Gay? Call Child Welfare!

I've already established that an unfortunate number of people in the society are all too vocal in telling the homosexual community that they CANNOT be Christians. So on a similar line of reasoning, I imagine a comparable percentage would attempt to tell me I CANNOT be a parent. Their reasoning may not fall under the same "divine scripture" from thousands of years ago category, but I'm sure it is similarly lacking logic and research oriented proof.

Feel free to throw your arguments at me, because I am living proof on a daily basis that homosexuals can be just as good of parents as their heterosexual counterparts. And despite all accusations thrown out there, it is just untrue that homosexual parents somehow raise children who are gender confused or angry or more likely to be gay. Research has consistently proven this to be just wrong.

In reality, a parent is a parent - gay or straight. Parenting will have the same trials and tribulations regardless of the sexual orientation of the parent or for that matter, the child. There will continue to be children of homosexuals and children of heterosexuals that have emotional problems, behavior problems, learning problems - social problems. Attempting to blame any problems such as these on a parent's homosexuality is merely another societal attempt at blaming and excusing. The fact is - a bad parent is a bad parent, and they exist as both homosexuals and heterosexuals.

The fact of the matter is a homosexual parent is MORE likely to raise a tolerant, open-minded, free-thinking child. And a homosexual parent is LESS likely to pass on the traits of prejudice and hatred. Believe me, the world is already full of hatred, so a few more tolerant problem solvers will definitely help future generations.

Prevalence of Victims of Sexual Abuse in Homosexual Population

*From archives/previous blog*
I am sure there is research somewhere, or some deep psychological explanation with reasoning. But it seems to me that a large majority of the gay people I know have at some time in their life been victims of some sort of sexual assault, abuse, molestation or exploitation.

I imagine the critics of homosexuality as a genetic alteration would be quick to use this as a reason - that is to say, “I bet they were straight until that horrible thing happened to them. Now they’re just gay because they’re scared of the opposite sex.” Let me tell you outright - this is NOT the case.

Unfortunately, I do fall into the statistical majority. However, I was well aware of my sexual orientation long before I fell victim to one of society’s misfits. So, I don’t have a fear of men - and I am gay, and I always have been.

Perhaps it’s more a reaction to society’s condemnation of homosexuals. Because we live in a society that attempts to make us feel ashamed of ourselves, we begin to discredit ourselves as people. And perhaps in this process, a homosexual is more likely to fall victim to a sex crime - either because their self loathing and low self esteem makes them an easier and more vulnerable target or because their own devaluation of themselves causes a person to be more likely to put themselves in a dangerous situation - or to end up with people who don’t respect them.

I’m not sure why, and it’s sad that it is this way. However, I do not know a single person who “became” gay because they feared the opposite sex.

Maturity vs. Instinct - Putting Others Before Yourself

Parenting is hard.

It is the most rewarding, time consuming, complicated, emotionally draining, meaningful, spiritual journey any person could possibly embark on in a lifetime. Regardless of everything an individual may have thought in their younger years - everything changes the moment you become a parent.

You learn the definition of selfless: you forget to sleep while watching the amazement a child brings to your life. You give things up to make sure this child has everything they've ever wanted or needed. You get sick more often because there is no way you can not hold your child while he's miserable, ill, contagious. And then while you're sick - you feel guilty because you can't do the things you usually can with your child. You forsake all others to make sure you do whatever is necessary to give your kid the happiest childhood possible, the best preparation for adulthood possible.

You feel pain on a level you never knew existed: when your child hurts. Every scrape, bruise, break pains you deeper than they yet know how to feel. When they come home from school feeling left out or made fun of or broken up with - you want nothing more than to take the pain away but you stay back - they need to have their own tools to deal with life.

You see God on a daily basis: every time you look at this miracle - while they sleep, while they play - even when they're crying and throwing tantrums. This is why God created you - your reason for being here in this moment - to give this child everything he needs to succeed in the world.

This is how parenting is intended to be. It is a full time job, with mandatory overtime and no monetary return. It is the one job you would die for. Unfortunately, there are parents who don't grasp this.

There are parents who use a child as a weapon. For the good of the parent instead of the child. They use their child's pain as a method of seeking attention for themselves. They use the title of "parent" as their entrance into circles - as a title of respect they haven't earned. They parent when it's convenient for them, when their child doesn't interfere with their plans, their life - their social structure. These are the people who will miss out on the one opportunity in their lifetime to be part of something bigger than themselves. To feel unconditional love, to love something more than themselves. At the end of the road, they'll look back and feel empty - wonder what they did wrong, and more than likely - feel sorry for themselves.

We Should Follow The Examples Set By Children

I've often pondered what I will say when I eventually have to explain the world’s hatred of homosexuality to my children - and I still have no answer. Do my children know I’m gay? Yes and no.

My children know I’m happy. They are innocent enough to not realize that the world has all too much to say about who I’m happy with. Because they haven’t been raised with the preconceived notions that people different than them are wrong, they don’t have the necessity to judge people. And yes, they have been raised in the church. They understand sin. They understand that we all sin. They also understand that a good person is defined by the actions they take, their daily interactions with the world, not by a societal standard of who one should be with.

In the sense of the word “gay,” they do not necessarily define me as so. I do not use the word gay to describe myself to them and I do not throw my homosexuality in their face. They see that I am very happy and loyal and committed to somebody who just happens to be the same gender I am. They will grow up in a house full of love and respect and nurturing - and that is the bottom line.

Gender Identity in the Children of Homosexuals

To throw a loop in the arguments surrounding gender identity, nature vs. nurture, genetics vs. choice - what is the impact of having a gay parent on a child's gender identity? And of course, being a lesbian mother to three kids - I have some insight, but no answers.

My two year old son loves shoes. He plays with dolls with his big sisters. He wants his nails painted everytime the girls do theirs. Do I think he's going to be gay? Not necessarily. Do I care if he is? Nope. Of course, being the insecure and somewhat simple minded person that he is - my ex is very critical of a boy doing anything society has deemed to be "girly."

Simply stated, do I think my acceptance of my son's very innocent liking of shoes and dolls and fingernail polish with have any effect whatsoever on his gender identity or eventual sexual preferences? Not at all. I think the biggest effect that a person can have on such things is always in the negative realm. I do think that my ex's negative reaction to any such behavior could have a very detrimental effect on both my son and my daughters. A child should never be ashamed of themselves and a parent should never make a child feel that way.

Gay Christian - Not a Paradox

*From archives/previous blog*

Homosexual Christian? Religious zealots, some church officials and a portion of society seem to think that such a combination of words would be a paradox, blasphemy, an enigma. On a simple, first line of defense level - the fact that any self-proclaimed example of faith would condemn a homosexual only shows the person as a hypocrite by their own definition. The Bible is a widely available and well known publication. It does not take a religious fanatic to read or interpret any part of it. The very basis of many Christian teachings lies in not passing judgment on others. By condemning a homosexual, even the most righteous person of faith not only discredits themselves, but Christianity as a whole.

I have nothing but respect for a person who lives their life according to their faith. Faith is hard to attain, hard to maintain, and too easily broken. Perhaps if the members of the religious community who spend so much time, effort and anger on the condemnation of homosexuals instead lived their lives according to the teachings in the Bible - their evangelical missions would be more effective. Live your life as you believe is morally right, as your faith guides you. Exhibit the Christian qualities that Jesus would have encouraged. Bring people to your faith with love, understanding and acceptance.

The wonderful thing about the Bible is it is an exceptional source of learning and moral guidance. There are parables and verses that can be applied to a multitude of situation. This is what makes the Bible an effective moral compass even in the modern day and age. But it must be used with caution - five different people could read the exact same thing and interpret it in ten different ways. Each of us brings our own life experience and background - and we can all use the Bible to guide us, but that doesn't mean what you interpret will be the same interpretation I get out of something.

And of course, there will be the hard core, holier than thou types who want to argue a literal interpretation of the Bible. To these people, I can only point out that if you are going to assert a literal interpretation of scriptures condemning a homosexual for being "with a male as with a woman," then I hope your parents (or your wife's parents) are able to produce the bloody sheets from your first night as husband and wife - as a proof of your virginity. And if not, hopefully you're prepared for the stoning that - according to the scripture - will follow. (Deuteronomy 22)

Morals and ethics will continue to have commonalities from history through the coming eras. Using scriptures as a moral compass could help guide the next generations through changing times. However, using the scriptures to justify your hatred, fear and prejudice will destroy the sanctity of the writings. The world is changing on a daily basis. The standard and accepted structure of a family unit is evolving. The moral guidance behind what a family is need not be left behind; however, the hatred and condemnations thrown about by individuals in the name of religion will lead to the demise of the Christian community.

See also: http://ryantravis.wordpress.com/2008/08/12/homosexual-gift/

The Courage to be Vulnerable

For the majority of my life I've always thought that my innate "numbness" was a type of stoic and admirable quality. Little did I know that I was really hurting no one but myself. Granted, that type of behavior kept me from ever being really and truly hurt - but it also prevented me from experiencing the aspects of life that make it worth living.

"Anybody who doesn't want or need something is dead, and anyone who needs something can be hurt..." (From Elliot Perlman's Seven Types of Ambiguity)

Without putting yourself out there, being willing to feel pain in immeasurable amounts - you can never truly love or be loved. And despite all philosophical statements of inner knowledge and self contentment, it's hard to be truly happy until you've torn down the walls and allowed yourself to be completely taken over.

Evolutionary Basis of Homosexuality?

Society as we know it seems constantly involved in a debate on homosexuality. The cause, the cure, who’s to blame, the morality, the ethics - all debates that when you really look at it, you have a hard time understanding why so much time, emotion and energy is wasted on such a topic. Nature vs. nurture? Is it a choice? Can it be genetically explained? Is there a genetic predisposition, as in say - alcoholism? Does it matter?

The religious community presents another arena for over speculation. What does the Bible say? What does the Pope, your minister, the nuns, your grandmother say? What are the moral implications of homosexual behavior? Gay marriage? Kids growing up with gay parents? Why any of this matters to everyone, I’m not sure - and I’m not here to speculate.

I’m also not going to argue the everlasting debate of creationism vs. evolution. I personally believe the two can exist together - not independently of each other. With that - on a scientific level only, disregarding all sociological factors and established societal norms - perhaps the surge in homosexuality in recent history is a result of an evolutionary attempt to control the population. The world as we know it is quickly becoming overpopulated and the populations are causing the supply of natural resources to dwindle. Gay couples do cannot procreate in the natural sense of the process. (I am not saying gay couples should not have children, I believe we are some of the best parents). But in a gay relationship, there are no accidental pregnancies. On a statistical basis - homosexuals cause less population increase.

I do not personally need an explanation for my lifestyle. I am comfortable with who I am. I am not attempting to explain anything. However, I am prone to intellectual thought processes and these hypotheses are nothing more than a byproduct of my constant cerebral processes.

Life, Death and the whole comical process

I see death. Not like “I see dead people” in a dramatic cinematic type of way. But I see death, I know death, I encounter death head on a very frequent basis. And due to the requirements of my job I encounter death with a detached, effectively functional attitude. Granted, the deaths I encounter are never my own - I have gained a respect for life through my constant exposure to the finality of death.

Some people find it offensive when a group of people find it necessary to essentially use “comic relief” to make a situation bearable. Is death comical? Sometimes, it really is. The grieving process, the concept of no longer having your loved one, the aftermath is never comical - these are serious processes which should be treated with nothing but empathy and respect. But sometimes, the process of dying has a humor to it. Sometimes the dying person is more than aware of the humor and depending on their life and their comfort with their own finality, they may be aware of this. I hope that’s me. I hope when my time comes I can go out with a smile, a laugh. I hope my last moments on this earth can be spent giving those I love the most one last smile, a laugh, a pointed, meaningful and amusing remark or quote to remember me by. I want to go out laughing and I want those around me to forget the traditional funeral and grieving processes. I want those closest to me to go out, drink, remember embarrassing moments with me - the good times, the bad - and laugh. And of course, drink one for me. After all, my life has thus far been a tragic comedy of sorts.

Hopefully my ultimate demise can be the same.

Monogamy: physiological process, societal standard, evolutionary barrier?

*From archives/previous blog*

I found myself engaged in a debate on the concept of monogamy. Presented to me was the suggestion that monogamy is not natural, that the societal mandated norm of “mating for life” is nothing more than a social norm created by a population of insecure and essentially “simple” people. A method of keeping the masses in line. Monogamy, being an unnatural concept, is therefore a standard which a person must actively work at to achieve, and then maintain.
I am unable to argue with those points effectively. Physical desires and the physiological processes associated with the human body are not centered on monogamy, but on physical release and procreation. I concur that one must consistently work at maintaining a monogamous relationship. Some attain this goal easier than others, likely due to biological differences in individuals. Of course the Biblical argument comes into play and it is often a person’s faith that allows them and/or forces them to conform to the act of monogamy. Regardless of the method by which a person or persons attempts to attain a monogamous state, I fully agree that monogamy requires a conscious effort.
I do not think that asserting monogamy as unnatural qualifies it as wrong. Regardless of one’s religious, moral or ethical beliefs - there are strong arguments for the “rightness” of monogamy. Compared on a simple level - an individual who lifts weights in an attempt to gain significant muscle mass is not necessarily doing something natural. The act of tearing muscle fibers, physical pain and recovery on a consistent basis is neither natural or easy, but neither is it wrong. A concept being unnatural is not justification enough to deem it wrong. Regardless of the societal norms and implications, there is a definite moral implication to monogamy - perhaps the morals themselves have been shaped by society as a whole. Perhaps by a higher power. Perhaps by the necessity of a family unit to further the human race. Evolution, religion, government, nature, nurture - all theories with the same result.

Coming Out (Out of What, I’m Unsure)

*From archives/previous blog*
Coming out? This seems to be a widely accepted rite of passage in the gay community. I imagine there was a time, not so long ago, when I wasn’t so “out,” but if you has asked anyone around me, I was out before I came out.

Here’s the shocker in it all - for both sides of the gay line - I was married, with multiple children. (Yes, I still have my kids - as contrary to popular belief, being gay is not an automatic disqualification to parenting) I’ve often tried to answer the question of why I got married in the first place, and the problem is I don’t really have a definitive answer. Did I know I was gay when I got married - yes. I knew I was gay in first grade - I just didn’t have the vocabulary to define it. Did my ex know I was gay? Yes, but I was not cheating. I was gay - because that’s what I am - not because I was actively involved in a homosexual relationship. Again, despite societal misconceptions, gay does not define a person’s sex life - it defines the person. This was the hardest thing for my ex to understand in the end. He was all too willing for me to have my “gay flings” on the side, without acknowledging that it wasn’t the sexual aspect of relationships I was lacking and searching for - it was so much more.

It didn’t just occur to me one day that it was time to be “out.” And my so-called marriage was nothing more than a childhood mistake (on my part, my ex was 12 years older than me - and I was his second mistake). The “coming out” stage of my life took a lot of working up to an a hanful of necessary events to set it in motion. And despite all the trauma and hardship and pain it caused me for the year following - I wouldn’t change it for the world. I didn’t know happy until the moment I admitted what I’d been hiding. Regardless of how miserable I was in the moment, I knew my life was happier as a whole than it had ever been.

There was no schocked reaction, no condemnation, no crying and begging like there often is. Everyone around me knew me as a person - not gay or straight, but as me. And while my confession may have explained a lot to my friends and family and co-workers, it neither shocked nor horrified anyone.

There were hard times, there still are. Perhaps I went about life in a less than normal method - my timeline got a little jumbled, but I’ve landed. And I wouldn’t change my process of getting here for anything. I’m happy - and there’s nothing wrong with being happy. Even if it’s only for the moment, and you know the next moment is going to bring you to your knees - it’s okay to be happy in the here and now.

It's Not 1984 Yet (but we're getting closer every day)

I have traditionally not been one of those typical government hating, pro anarchy activists. I still believe government has it's place, but I do think it has started to overstep it's boundaries on a regular basis. And not only government, but large corporations as well.

A friend of mine works for a large corporation. Recently, she received a notice in the mail to fill out an online survey regarding her health care habits. For filling out the survey, her per pay period deduction for health insurance would be 50% less than if she failed to complete the survey. To begin with, an unethical method of getting a survey completed.

To make matters worse, the survey required the user to log in to complete - so anonymity is out the door. The questions were invasive, personal and entirely inappropriate. Definitely nothing I would want my employer to ask, heck - some of them I wouldn't want my doctor to ask. They covered everything from sexual habits, to drug use, to alcohol and sleep. They asked questions typically addressed by the psychiatric community - regarding feelings of sadness, insomnia, eating habits, compulsions. I was offended for her and I had nothing to do with the survey.

There is a place for such health assessments and it should not be one's place of employment. And while the survey may not have been "mandated," they surely made it hard to refuse. Hopefully she and everyone else who filled it out falsified the information enough to throw their results so far off they would be unable to use them.

Big Brother would be proud and George Orwell would give a snide "I told you so."