Maturity vs. Instinct - Putting Others Before Yourself

Parenting is hard.

It is the most rewarding, time consuming, complicated, emotionally draining, meaningful, spiritual journey any person could possibly embark on in a lifetime. Regardless of everything an individual may have thought in their younger years - everything changes the moment you become a parent.

You learn the definition of selfless: you forget to sleep while watching the amazement a child brings to your life. You give things up to make sure this child has everything they've ever wanted or needed. You get sick more often because there is no way you can not hold your child while he's miserable, ill, contagious. And then while you're sick - you feel guilty because you can't do the things you usually can with your child. You forsake all others to make sure you do whatever is necessary to give your kid the happiest childhood possible, the best preparation for adulthood possible.

You feel pain on a level you never knew existed: when your child hurts. Every scrape, bruise, break pains you deeper than they yet know how to feel. When they come home from school feeling left out or made fun of or broken up with - you want nothing more than to take the pain away but you stay back - they need to have their own tools to deal with life.

You see God on a daily basis: every time you look at this miracle - while they sleep, while they play - even when they're crying and throwing tantrums. This is why God created you - your reason for being here in this moment - to give this child everything he needs to succeed in the world.

This is how parenting is intended to be. It is a full time job, with mandatory overtime and no monetary return. It is the one job you would die for. Unfortunately, there are parents who don't grasp this.

There are parents who use a child as a weapon. For the good of the parent instead of the child. They use their child's pain as a method of seeking attention for themselves. They use the title of "parent" as their entrance into circles - as a title of respect they haven't earned. They parent when it's convenient for them, when their child doesn't interfere with their plans, their life - their social structure. These are the people who will miss out on the one opportunity in their lifetime to be part of something bigger than themselves. To feel unconditional love, to love something more than themselves. At the end of the road, they'll look back and feel empty - wonder what they did wrong, and more than likely - feel sorry for themselves.

We Should Follow The Examples Set By Children

I've often pondered what I will say when I eventually have to explain the world’s hatred of homosexuality to my children - and I still have no answer. Do my children know I’m gay? Yes and no.

My children know I’m happy. They are innocent enough to not realize that the world has all too much to say about who I’m happy with. Because they haven’t been raised with the preconceived notions that people different than them are wrong, they don’t have the necessity to judge people. And yes, they have been raised in the church. They understand sin. They understand that we all sin. They also understand that a good person is defined by the actions they take, their daily interactions with the world, not by a societal standard of who one should be with.

In the sense of the word “gay,” they do not necessarily define me as so. I do not use the word gay to describe myself to them and I do not throw my homosexuality in their face. They see that I am very happy and loyal and committed to somebody who just happens to be the same gender I am. They will grow up in a house full of love and respect and nurturing - and that is the bottom line.

Gender Identity in the Children of Homosexuals

To throw a loop in the arguments surrounding gender identity, nature vs. nurture, genetics vs. choice - what is the impact of having a gay parent on a child's gender identity? And of course, being a lesbian mother to three kids - I have some insight, but no answers.

My two year old son loves shoes. He plays with dolls with his big sisters. He wants his nails painted everytime the girls do theirs. Do I think he's going to be gay? Not necessarily. Do I care if he is? Nope. Of course, being the insecure and somewhat simple minded person that he is - my ex is very critical of a boy doing anything society has deemed to be "girly."

Simply stated, do I think my acceptance of my son's very innocent liking of shoes and dolls and fingernail polish with have any effect whatsoever on his gender identity or eventual sexual preferences? Not at all. I think the biggest effect that a person can have on such things is always in the negative realm. I do think that my ex's negative reaction to any such behavior could have a very detrimental effect on both my son and my daughters. A child should never be ashamed of themselves and a parent should never make a child feel that way.

Gay Christian - Not a Paradox

*From archives/previous blog*

Homosexual Christian? Religious zealots, some church officials and a portion of society seem to think that such a combination of words would be a paradox, blasphemy, an enigma. On a simple, first line of defense level - the fact that any self-proclaimed example of faith would condemn a homosexual only shows the person as a hypocrite by their own definition. The Bible is a widely available and well known publication. It does not take a religious fanatic to read or interpret any part of it. The very basis of many Christian teachings lies in not passing judgment on others. By condemning a homosexual, even the most righteous person of faith not only discredits themselves, but Christianity as a whole.

I have nothing but respect for a person who lives their life according to their faith. Faith is hard to attain, hard to maintain, and too easily broken. Perhaps if the members of the religious community who spend so much time, effort and anger on the condemnation of homosexuals instead lived their lives according to the teachings in the Bible - their evangelical missions would be more effective. Live your life as you believe is morally right, as your faith guides you. Exhibit the Christian qualities that Jesus would have encouraged. Bring people to your faith with love, understanding and acceptance.

The wonderful thing about the Bible is it is an exceptional source of learning and moral guidance. There are parables and verses that can be applied to a multitude of situation. This is what makes the Bible an effective moral compass even in the modern day and age. But it must be used with caution - five different people could read the exact same thing and interpret it in ten different ways. Each of us brings our own life experience and background - and we can all use the Bible to guide us, but that doesn't mean what you interpret will be the same interpretation I get out of something.

And of course, there will be the hard core, holier than thou types who want to argue a literal interpretation of the Bible. To these people, I can only point out that if you are going to assert a literal interpretation of scriptures condemning a homosexual for being "with a male as with a woman," then I hope your parents (or your wife's parents) are able to produce the bloody sheets from your first night as husband and wife - as a proof of your virginity. And if not, hopefully you're prepared for the stoning that - according to the scripture - will follow. (Deuteronomy 22)

Morals and ethics will continue to have commonalities from history through the coming eras. Using scriptures as a moral compass could help guide the next generations through changing times. However, using the scriptures to justify your hatred, fear and prejudice will destroy the sanctity of the writings. The world is changing on a daily basis. The standard and accepted structure of a family unit is evolving. The moral guidance behind what a family is need not be left behind; however, the hatred and condemnations thrown about by individuals in the name of religion will lead to the demise of the Christian community.

See also: http://ryantravis.wordpress.com/2008/08/12/homosexual-gift/